The Buddha taught that to become enlightened and attain nirvana, you must find nothingness. And if you’re looking for nothingness, you came to the right place. This book gives you plenty of nothingness.
In fact, everything’s here: all the nothingness you could hope for in one easy-to-read volume. As the title says, this is your Complete Guide. Absolutely nothing has been left in — that’s how complete it is.
Okay, maybe it’s not quite that complete — we’re talking infinity and eternity here. Would you want to lug that much nothingness to the beach? If it were taken too far, you might be looking at a black hole, which can be a big mess. However, if I had called it Enlightenment for Nitwits: The Incomplete Guide, would you have bought it? I didn’t think so. In any case, it’s complete enough for all normal enlightenment purposes. If you’re not in absolute bliss by the end of it, you might want to increase your meds.
While we’re on the subject of the title, some have asked me why I called it Enlightenment for Nitwits. The main reason is that Dummies and Idiots were trademarked (by the Bush administration, in 2001). These titles don’t imply any disrespect for readers. In fact, I’ve been privileged to meet many of my readers, and they are among the most intelligent, caring, and good-smelling people I’ve ever run across. Such titles simply telegraph to potential buyers that the subject will be covered in an easily accessible manner. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? With enlightenment, who wants to wade through long, arcane texts, in many cases written by people who didn’t even bother to learn English! and then have to sit on the dirty floor of a drafty cave for forty years trying to figure it all out? I’ve already done the hard work so that you don’t have to. This book, a combination of laughter yoga and colonic therapy, is Mr. Clean for the soul — it takes the drudgery out of spiritual growth. Every seeker will want to keep a copy next to his toilet.
Please note that this timeless book works whether you’re in the 21st century or any other in the future or past (for example, if you’re a time traveler). The principles of enlightenment don’t change. However, if you’re reading this before the invention of the printing press, be advised that it is forbidden to interfere with the course of human history.
I’d like to begin with a quote from my good friend the Dalai Lama. He, of course, starred in the classic Broadway musical Hello, Dalai! It featured a chorus line of singing and dancing monks who levitated several feet off the ground while holding trays of rice, as Dalai descended a staircase wearing a glorious crimson robe and Louis Armstrong sang the title song. It was an unforgettable moment in the annals of spirituality. Until that time, few had realized that His Holiness had such great legs.
One day, Dalai and I were sitting together in deep meditation. Suddenly, he said to me, “My son,” — that’s what he calls me; we’re not related — “My son, enlightenment is easy. Comedy is hard.” And it’s true. He’s a great guy and I love him, but he really isn’t that funny. It was then that he asked me to write this book, which is the fulfillment of an ancient prophesy first brought to light again when he discovered me at four years old doing stand-up on the playground. My test was to correctly identify the rubber chicken, fedora, and exploding cigar I had used in my previous lifetime as the Fifteenth Falai Lama. Of course, the true Falai Lama would know his own rubber chicken anywhere (mine is unusual in that it makes a farting sound as it shoots rubber eggs).
This book is easy to use. As you read the stories of my spiritual journey, simply be aware of your breath and feel gratitude welling up from deep within you that you’re not me.
As a savvy humor consumer, you are no doubt aware that metaphysical comedy is a huge, brutally competitive field. However, I have managed to carve out a niche for myself and am well known for it worldwide among the 113 or so readers of my previous books. I hope that, with this book, I can reach an even larger audience, changing many people’s lives, some of them for the better.