[From a late-night infomercial]

Announcer: You know the scenario. It’s been a rough day. Your significant other walked out on you.

Alice: Oh, Jim, Jim, please don’t go. I’ll do anything to keep you. Anything.

Jim: It’s too late, Alice. I’m in love with Ralph. [Jim closes the door behind him. Alice hurls dishes against the wall, and then collapses in tears.]

Alice: [Anguished] Maybe I should I have had that sex-change operation.

Announcer: You lost your job.

Boss: Sorry, Alice, but with the market the way it is, we have to downsize. Brain surgeons with law degrees are a dime a dozen today, and those discount operations are killing us.

Alice: [Later] What does this mean? Is this the opportunity I’ve been waiting for to attend the Wilford Beauty Academy?

Announcer: And astral fragments are trying to take over your body.

Astral fragment: Hahahahaha!

Alice: I said get away, Attila. Get away! You can’t have it.

Announcer: You desperately need a channeling session, but it’s 3 a.m. and your channel is vacationing in the Caribbean anyway.

Sound familiar? If it’s happened once, it’s happened a thousand times — but no more.

DIAL-A-MICHAEL to the rescue.

Yes, now you can speak with your favorite causal entity twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Michael, the entity of the stars, is personally available to you whenever you need them. Our well-trained staff of courteous Michael channels is standing by. Just dial

1-900-MICHAEL

Michael: You see, Alice, Jim and Ralph are essence twins, and have been mates in many past lives, so even with a sex-change operation, you could not come between them. They met at this time because you and Jim are now complete with your sex karma, and it’s time for you to move on.

Alice: So this is my life plan unfolding?

Michael: Precisely!

Alice: What a relief!

Michael: And there’s more good news. Jim’s essence thought it would be fun to die in California’s next earthquake, which is coming up this February. The plan is for you and Ralph, who is your task companion, to reconnect at the funeral to provide mutual support. You’ll fall in love, marry on March 22nd at 2:30 p.m., and eventually have thirteen children. And Jim will be your first daughter.

Alice: Hmm. That’s very interesting.

Michael: About your former boss: He’s a first-level infant slave in rejection, repression, stagnation, retardation, aggression, and power. He’s in the instinctive part of the instinctive center, a cynic and skeptic in arrogance, self-destruction, greed, martyrdom, and stubbornness.

Alice: No wonder he was so difficult to work with.

Michael: Also, he was completing an agreement he made with you before this lifetime began to fire you when your midlife monad began so that you could confront your childhood imprinting. You see, Alice, by becoming a brain surgeon and an entertainment lawyer, you were unconsciously trying to fulfill your mother’s ambition of becoming an actress on General Hospital. Now you are free to find your true destiny.

Alice: You mean, becoming a cosmetologist?

Michael: Yes. You’ve wanted to do this ever since your lifetime as Cleopatra.

Alice: I was Cleopatra?

Michael: That’s basically correct, and you really got into the cosmetics.

Alice: Wow. Now I understand why, when I was little, I was always wrapping my pets in gauze bandages and putting them in boxes.

Michael: Right. Now, regarding those pesky astral fragments trying to take over your body — you have to learn to set boundaries. Every woman has the right to say no to a man, whether he’s incarnate or not. You were once Attila’s sex slave, and you’ve got to make it clear to him that your relationship has changed.

Alice: Oh, Dial-A-Michael, how can I ever thank you? You’ve saved my life once again!

Michael: It’s nothing Alice. Glad we could be of assistance.

Announcer: If your life is falling apart, or if you just have questions about your relationships, career, or possession by evil forces, dial now. Your call will be listed discreetly on your phone bill as Sex Karma Enterprises. Only $3.95/minute.